Thursday, November 18, 2004

Would You Like Fries With That?


It is amazing to me how much the actors on The OC look exactly like the people that work behind the counter at the Burger King in my hometown of Topeka, Kansas. I went back to visit a few years ago and I swear, Mischa Barton was scooping my fries and Benjamin McKenzie was flippin my all beef Whopper patties. And although I couldn't see him, Adam Brody was definitely at window 1 in the drive-thru (I could tell by the voice). I wonder what future stars are working at the Topeka Burger King now??

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

2 Wrongs Don't Make A Right

Kmart & Sears 11.5 Billion Dollar Merger :
Sounds like a retail powerhouse I just can't wait to shop at.

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

Welcome to Ringling Brothers Barnum & Bailey Circus!

I'm not going to talk trash on Liza Minnelli because of the recent headlines. To be honest, that's just way too damn easy. What I find interesting is that Michael Jackson might very well be the most put together person in her wedding photo.



If You Want Jesus Too, Then Add The Bacon

Kristen alerted me to this news story. Apparently, this grilled cheese sandwich with the image of the Virgin Mary is signaling the second coming of Christ. The grilled cheese was offered for sale on E-bay and received bids for over $22,000. The original owner has kept the sandwich for over 10 years on the bedroom nightstand before they decided to sell it. I must admit, I did begin to question the intelligence of Americans until I made my lunch the other day and saw the image of Scott Peterson burned on my grilled cheese revealing a guilty verdict. How much do you think this could be worth?

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

And The Moral of the Story

Maria Sharapova - 2004 Wimbledon Champion

Confucius once said : For every teenage Russian bombshell tennis champion that made the cover of Maxim, there is another teenage Russian tennis champion that got beat down hard with the ugly stick.



Svetlana Kuznetsova - 2004 US Open Champion

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

Fat People Causing Airlines To Go Broke

So let's just set the record straight......Obese Americans are causing the entire airline industry to collapse, or at least it seems that is what this study is trying to prove. It cost over $275 million more dollars to fly our fat asses around in 2000 than it did in 1990 because of the extra weight. Forget about operational inefficiencies, the labor unions, the stalling economy, and terrorism......Just get your flabby butt in the gym and you may be able to save United Airlines so we don't all lose our frequent flier points.

Fat people are blamed for the airlines demise and fat people are suing McDonald's for making them fat. Why not have the fast food industry just directly subsidize the airlines? Or better yet, have everyone jump on a scale before they go down the jetway with the results displayed on a large LCD screen at the gate and then tack on a fat surcharge. I can guarantee people would be passing on the potato chips and chocolate cake for at least a few weeks before departure.

Monday, November 08, 2004

A Trip To The Fetish Store

Last Saturday afternoon I was trying to get my Peter Criss costume together and needed a few last minute rocker accessories. I was told to go to the sexual fetish shops on Christopher Street where I could find dog collars, harnesses, whips, chains, studded belts, leather goods, and other S&M paraphernalia.

The first thing that I notice when I get to Christopher Street is that there are 10-15 fetish shops and families with children everywhere. Now to me, Christopher Street seems like an interesting choice for some quality family time on a brisk autumn afternoon. I imagined some of the questions and comments that must come out of children's mouths when they walk past the various storefronts. Why is that man wearing chains? Why is there a plastic green penis in the window? Look at the pretty rainbow flag? Can we go in there to get some candy?

I choose to go in a store called The Leather Attic based on the variety of quality leather products in the store window. There are 2 men at the front counter, the first is a bald man in his mid sixties with an impressive beer gut, the other a guy in his late forties with at least 7 facial piercings. Both looked jaded from working many years in a festish shop. The guy with the piercings makes me check my backpack at the counter and hands me a claim ticket that reads HATEFUL WHORE.

Me: Can you point me in the direction of your studded dog collars and harnesses?
Piercings: You wanna take this one Hal?
Beergut: Only if I can have my way with him in the back first.

The man with the piercings begins cackling like a hyena in heat. I follow Beergut down the back corridor. Around the first corner we pass a display of toilet seats with four legs attached. I look at the sign on the display and notice that apparently this is a new type of furniture called a rimming chair. I try to visualize this chair in the open space next to the coffee table in my living room, and realize it just wouldn't look good next to the black leather furniture we already have. The second corner has a display of very comfortable style of hammocks called a sling.




We finally get to the last aisle where there is a large selection of quality studded leather harnesses to choose from. I looked at the price tag of one that looks particularly KISS like and notice that it costs $179.

Me: Do you have any that are cheaper? Maybe even something that is plastic? I don't want to spend this much since I am only going to use it once.
Beergut: No...NO...NO...You can use these much more than one time, they will last forever.

I decide that the $15 bracelet is probably a better purchase for me and head up to the front counter to pay the man with facial piercings for my merchandise.

Piercings: Have fun with this (starts cackling again)
Me: Can I get my bag. It is the blue one.
Piercings: Who are you again?

I could tell by the look on his face that he wasn't going to give me back my backpack until I actually said it. I glanced at my claim ticket.

Me: I'm hateful whore.
Piercings: Well here ya go WHORE! (cackles)

As I head out the door, I was feeling a bit violated, as if that last exchange were equivalent to going first base in the S&M world. Maybe next Halloween I will try the shop with the green plastic penis in the window.

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

Insert Depressing Election Day Story Here

Anyone care for another four years of BullShit? Enjoy!

Monday, November 01, 2004

Halloween

Above Left to Right: Anthony as Paul Stanley, Eddie as Gene Simmons,
Cole as Ace Frehley, Me as Peter Criss

Halloween was fun this year. I'm not usually a fan of Halloween and I havent dressed up for at least 10 years. Besides the fact that I look like a busted up clown and Cole is wearing a blond glamour wig, I think our rendition of KISS is pretty believable.

KISS

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

A Necessary Phone Call

Hi, you have reached Jessica Simpson's sister. I am unable to reach the phone because I am currently in the studio recording my next live performance. Please leave me a message. BEEEEEP.

Hi Ashlee......I just came across your headshot recently and saw your Saturday Night Live performance. We have a slot open here for the role of Bilbo Baggins on Riverdance and we thought you would be perfect for the part. It may be the only work you will be gettin for a long time, so consider it. Give me a call and let's set up an audition. Talk to you soon!

Sunday, October 24, 2004

That Must Have Been One Stanky Dump!

Lenny Kravitz's career has been going down the shitter the past few years and it is starting to cause some major septic tank problems. Lenny's backed up toilet has caused over $300,000 worth of water damage to his neighbor's apartment. Now Lenny is being sued, as well he should be. I know you are a big star and all......but Lenny, plunge your toilet like everybody else does.

Charo Say

Charo Say: Booty Fun Play Sehr Gut.......Me Like!
Cuchi-Cuchi!
(My Apologies, storylines are a bit thin these days)

Thursday, October 21, 2004

Apartment 3F Welcomes New Sponsor

Apartment 3F

Is Brought To You in Part

By :


Tracy Gold Pleads Innocent to DUI

Apartment 3F broke the news to you about Tracy Gold's DUI arrest a few weeks ago, which resulted from a car accident involving herself, husband, and 3 children. We have just learned that Tracy has pleaded innocent to the DUI charges. However, she was convicted and found guilty on all counts of Reckless Endangerment with Bad Hair and will be sentanced accordingly.

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

Ben Harper And Blind Boys of Alabama

Last Week I was given tickets to watch Ben Harper on The Carson Daly Show(Thanks Randi). Ben was promoting his new album with the Blind Boys of Alabama, which has much more of a gospel sound. They performed two songs for the show, but stayed after the taping and played about 5 more songs for the fans. We were within 6-8 feet of the stage so it was very intimate. There was a suspicious 4th blind boy back-up singer who was pretending to be blind with dark glasses but I'm guessing he really wasn't. Kinda shady, But I will still buy the CD. The show airs this Friday the 22nd of October, so be sure to tune in.

Hmm, This Job Looks Tempting

Zio, I feel your pain. You must have just gotten your MBA too.

My Horoscope for 10-18-2004

What are you going to be for Halloween Sagittarius. What about trying to dress up as an emotionally available, mature adult for a change? You may not be able to pull it off but get everyone else drunk and you just may be convincing.

........OUCH!

Monday, October 18, 2004

Phew!

After four days of looking at HTML code to fix my ghetto lookin site, I was about to scrap Apartment 3F. But took one last look at it today and got help fixing the problem. Thanks Jake! Okay, I have a lot of catching up to do, so expect a great deal of posts in the next few days.

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

What the Hell?

Something is wrong with the site. I was joking about contracting STD's and meanwhile the website contracted a nasty virus. What the fuck? The right hand column is now at the bottom . Unfortunately, I don't have the technical know-how or time to deal with this shit right now. Apartment 3F is on hiatus. Anyone HTML savvy?

In 10 Years They Will Be Comparing Him to Kennedy

Is anyone else concerned that November 2nd could be the beginning of the end of the world. Seriously folks, this is getting awfully scary, the fact that George W. Bush can rally up 5 votes besides his close friends and family disturbs me.

Is America really full of a bunch of idiots that will vote for Bush?.....Survey Says : "YES".

If you are still somehow convinced that Bush is half-way intelligent then watch this Bush Interview Clip

http://www.canofun.com/blog/videos/BushUnityConfSovereignty.wmv

(thanks for passing this along Rachna!)