Thursday, September 30, 2004

And The Winner Is?

I have been consulting with friends and colleagues in order to put together a collective list of the 20 best porn titles of all time. Much thought and research has gone into this list. In no particular order, nominees for the best porno title* are:

1) Booty and the Beast
2) In Diana Jones and the Temple of Poon
3) Buffy the Vampire Layer
4) Missionary Impossible
5) Beverly Hills 9021-Ho!
6) Glad-he-ate-her
7) Driving it into Miss Daisy
8) Humping from the Back at Notre Dame
9) Butch Lesbian and the Lapdance Kid
10) Lawrence of a Labia
11) Big Trouble in Little Vagina
12) Bi-Curious George
13) Genital Hospital
14) Inspect -Her Gadget
15) An Officer and a Genitalman
16) How Stella got her Tubed Packed
17) Ben-Hur Over
18) Good Will Humping
19) Ass Ventura: Smut Detective
20) Dawsons Crack


* Note to audience - The list is collective of the best porn titles only and does not in anyway shape or form endorse the overall quality or plot of the film.


Sporticus

I am somewhat ashamed to admit this, but I have become addicted to watching LazyTown on Nick Jr. It's really fun and I recommend everyone watch, even if you are out of the 4-7 year old age category.

Wednesday, September 29, 2004

Look Everybody! I am in High School Again!

"Are you awake"

I open my eyes slowly and see a blurry vision of a person peering over me, but I can't make out who it is......Where am I?...How did I get here?...Who's bed am I sleeping in?.....Is he at least cute?...Damn!

"Come on Honey, wake up"

My eyes still haven't adjusted. He's calling me Honey. He's touching me. I don't like people that I don't know touching me, otherwise I would have gone to last night's cuddle party. Someone get me out of here...Damn!

"It's time to go"

My eyes start to focus....I make out blond hair and red lights. It's my friend JR. Thank God!...I have my clothes on!...Thank God!... I am laying on a couch and not a sidewalk!... Thank God.

Oh but wait? No..No..No......I am at Barracuda.......Suddenly, I am horrified again. It is 5:30 am and I realize that I have just "worked a double".

To Work a Double : verb(wüŕk ã dūbĕl) 1. The act of working the happy hour shift to 10 pm, only to stay at the bar drinking after work until closing time of 4 am or beyond.

I have witnessed several co-workers "working doubles" and let me tell you...It is never pretty. Last Saturday, JR fell flat on his face, spilling his drink while working his double....Not just once, but twice. Then on Sunday, when the DJ played Stevie Nick's "Edge of Seventeen", Michael got up on the bar banging random utensils against the hanging globe lamps like they were some sort of new percussion instrument while bolting out "JUST LIKE A WHITE WINGED DOVE" at the top of his lungs. So you can now imagine my horror when I realized that I just worked my first double, passed out, and don't remember a damn thing that happened.

I got up and stumbled to the bar where Cole and Anthony had a fresh glass of New York City tap water waiting for me. I tried to piece the night together but there are still big chunks missing. I didn't ask my coworkers what happened...I think I am better off not knowing at this point. They told me not to worry, as we have all looked pathetic at one time or another....Which, really made me feel a lot better.

I got in a cab, went home, and have been hungover for the past 36 hours. That is why there have been no new blog stories for the past couple of days. My apologies.

Tuesday, September 28, 2004

Giving A Smile After Getting The Finger

Whenever I ride the subway, I expect to come into contact with interesting people like Kash. Today was no different. The subway car was half-filled with about 30 people in it. We get to the West Fourth stop and a man walks on with a bright green doo-rag. The doors close and we take off toward our final destination. The man with the doo-rag walks toward the center of the car to begin a speech.

Doo-Rag Man: Ladies & Gentlemen, I need have your attention please! I am looking for some assistance this morning. A few years back, 9 of my fingers were torn off in a freak accident, which makes it really hard to work.

He raises his hands in front of him exposing two bare palms with only the middle finger on the left side still attached. It was an effective plea for money while telling the entire subway car to go fuck themselves at the very same time. There were a few shrieks and gasps, and I heard two old lady's in the corner scream "Oh My God!"

Doo-Rag Man: Now people, I do things for the community. I coach little kids in basketball to keep them off the streets.

I was fine with him showing people his disability, but the blurb about basketball???.......NOW, he has crossed the line. I mean spinning the ball on the last remaining finger like one of the Harlem Globe Trotters???? MAYBE......... But just exactly how was he demonstrating to these little kids how to pass, shoot, and dribble?

Doo-Rag Man: If you don't have any change, then all I want is a little smile. Don't deprive me of that smile.

I didn't expect doo-rag man to literally go up to every single person in the car and get in their face until he got a smile back, but that is exactly what he did.

Doo-Rag Man: Now that's a great smile.....Oh thanks ma'am....Oh gimme that smile....Pretty smile...What a nice smile....Thanks for the smile......Oh its great to see you smiling.......Smile , smile, smile.......

I think telling people to smile is one of the most annoying things ever! Customers come up to me at work all the time and say "smile" and I really feel the urge to punch them in the face. To be perfectly honest, I can't put on a fake smile when I'm not happy. A lot of times I don't smile even when I am happy.

He was now approaching me and I started to get pre-panhandling anxiety. It's that little bundle of nerves when you know your going to be hit up for dough in a really awkward situation and you are not really sure what to say to the person. So I pull out my cell phone and pretend to be doing something on it (as if, somehow I was actually getting a signal down there). He stops in front of me and just waits........15 seconds later.....Waiting......Its getting awkward.........He obviously has nothing better to do than stand there until acknowledged. I can't hold out any longer. I lift my head and look Doo-Rag Man right in the eye.

Doo-Rag Man: Ahhhh man.....Turn that frown upside down....Come on now!

He obviously does not understand that I am working on about 3 hours of sleep. The subway car comes to a complete stop. This isn't my station but I decide to get out and walk the remaining 20 blocks. As I step out the doors Doo-Rag man yells "Have a great day young man"

Monday, September 27, 2004

The Weekend Report

Friday: Discovered a great place to get a quick bite to eat when your on the run. It's called Chelsea Papaya "fresh juices & frankfurters" and it is on 23rd and 6th Avenue. They have a menu item called a hot sausage topped with all the fixins for just over $1. They are delicious. I just haven't decided how I feel about going up to the guys behind the counter and saying " Yeah, I would like a HOT SAUSAGE!"..........hmmmmm, maybe it's just not worth it.

Saturday: I was approached by an guy at work who said that he was in town visiting for the next week and he would love to take me out. He gave me his business card and told me to call him. Later in the night, when I was less busy, I pulled the business card out of my pocket. There was a black and white drawing of a man in a sexy pose in the upper right hand corner and the card reads:

Name: Ron
Title: Professional Services
Email: Israeli_Top@hotmail.com

Then it lists his phone number. And on the back it says.............See You Soon!

Now if he was the one to ask me out, would I still have to pay for time and services rendered???

I'm not saying that I was planning to call him in the first place, but the fact that he was a male prostitute was sort of a deal breaker. Dude, next time write your number on a cocktail napkin.

Sunday: Took a Sexual IQ Test online. My IQ level was 128 and ranks in the 95th percentile of all Sexual IQ test takers. I suppose I am somewhat of a sexual genius. I even received a congratulatory email stating that my score was exceptionally high. I feel like this deserves a bullet on my resume somewhere. I think I got all the questions right, except I was really stumped on the one about fisting.

Thursday, September 23, 2004

She Is Gonna Crack Him Like A Walnut

Is anyone else appalled at Serena Williams' choice in boyfriend, Brett Ratner??

I know he has money and I know Serena is desperate for more acting gigs after her doublemint gum commercial.....but Gurl..........PAAH-----LEEEEEEEZE!

Serena is one of the top female athletes in the world, and dude looks like the man who picked up my garbage at the curb this morning, with more jelly than a Smuckers factory. Let's hope for her sake it's at least strawberry.

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

How About Them Red Sox?

The good news: Unemployment leads to extra free time to be spent at the gym plus less money for food, which equals a trim waistline.

The bad news: My baggy jeans are really sagging these days, making me look like the homeless person that I almost am.

The best thing about interning as a music publicist has to be the attire. You can wear whatever you want including jeans and flip-flops, and it makes working for free well worth it. So I am interning today and it's lunchtime, so I decided to walk outside to get a sandwich. The door closes on the Elevator and I kinda feel my pants falling down. I pull up my shirt a bit, so I can get a status report on the jeans situation. My jeans are resting at mid-thigh with about 6-8 inches of ugly green underwear exposed. If I was going to wear these jeans, I should have done a better job strategically picking my boxerbriefs.

Just as the elevator is to begin its descent, the doors reopen and one of the executives from V2 Records enters. Embarrassed that one of the guys I have been trying to get a full-time job from has just gotten a free peep show, I quickly pull my pants up. The elevator door shuts and we begin our awkward journey to the first floor.


VP of V2: So your looking very provocative today. What's up with that?

Me: um.....I'm not trying too, I was just discovering that I really need a belt with these pants.

VP of V2: No, I'm not talking about that....Your underwear are always showing...I was talking about the Boston Red Sox Cap. That's pretty gutsy in New York.

Me: Oh yeah. That.

The conversation is followed by 30 seconds of complete silence, then I hightail outta that elevator feeling like a complete ass.

Another Job Lead Closed.

Now Let's Get Her Started On An Aggressive Dose of Gingko Biloba

I know I'm going to catch a lot of slack for saying this.....But I think that Anna Nicole Smith looks sexy and beautiful after losing all that weight.

Trim-Spa does a body good. But keep those clothes on honey, cause we don't need to see those stretch marks. You know the girl has looser skin than her 95 year old ex-husband.

Don't Call Me.....I'll Call You

........Unless it's during free nights and weekends.


Cell Phone Overage Terror Alert : SEVERE

I'm a few short conversations at $.40 a minute away from having to hitchhike back to Kansas to move in with my parents. Desperate times call for desperate measures.


Tuesday, September 21, 2004

I Think For Lunch, I'll Just Have The Toy.

Oh, Honey!......Pull Yourself Together Gurl.

I feel like it should be a prerequisite, that one eats occasionally..Or at least from time to time, in order to push happy meals. I was disturbed by this recent news.

Big Pimpin'

I love my HBO on Demand. If you don't already subscribe, get it. It will change your life. If you do have HBO on Demand, watch the documentary "Pimps Up and Hoes Down" immediately...It will not dissapoint. This film is about what it takes to be a pimp in the South Bronx.

Highlight of the Documentary: " Bitch, I got my P.H.D....Pimping Ho Degree. Now either ho up, or blow up.

At first I thought I was watching a really bad Saturday Night Live skit. Then I met Kash on the subway and I realized that not only do these people exist....I ride the train with them.
Kash sat down next to me on the F line today. He was dressed entirely in black with alligator skin boots, a gold chain with a large medallion, and a pair of extra-large sunglasses that he was using to protect himself from the sun that was glaring strongly 30 feet below the earth's surface.
Kash: Yo man (noticing my IPOD), you listen to HIP-HOP?
Me: Yeah, I got some HIP-HOP on here.
Kash: Wat u listenin too now?

My IPOD was on shuffle mode and switching over to the next song. I look down at the display.........Oh fuck, "Bridge Over Troubled Water" by Clay Aiken. My street cred will be blown to hell. Luckily, I was able to think on my feet.

Me: Jay-Z
Kash: Nice, Jay-Z is the man. I can tell yuz got it goin on. U alright man....U alright......By the way, my name is Cash, as in MONEY.....But with a K.

I glance up at the medallion hanging around his neck again and notice a large letter "K" in the center.

Me: Great to meet you. You live here in the East Village?
Kash: Nah Man, I live in the South Bronx. I'm just down here takin care of some bizness.

I noticed his watch. The face covered his entire wrist and was at least 4-5 inches in diameter. It was decorated with two dice showing snake eyes. I was going to ask what kind of business he was in, because he looked like one of the guys from "Pimps Up, Ho's Down". And after all, I am still looking for full-time employment, so I need to network at all times. But the trained stopped at my station and it was time for me to leave. I really hope that Kash is much nicer to his Ho's than what is portrayed in the show.

Sunday, September 19, 2004

I Really Hate This Commercial


I used to be fat and ugly...now I'm just ugly. Thanks LA Weight Loss!!!

I Work for Devil Daddy

I have to admit that I LOVE the New York Post. It's USA Today mixed with US Weekly...plenty of news, plenty of gossip. What's real and what's not?...Who the hell cares? I don't yet have a daily subscription, but when I do get my hands on a copy, I cannot be pried away until it is read cover to cover.

Cole, my manager at Barracuda, was shown on the cover on Saturday with the title Devil Dad. Okay...So it's not really Cole (at least he claims), but the resemblance is so similar that it gives me the goosebumps. People have been walking up to Cole on the street asking if he was on the cover of The Post. Friends have called him on the phone..."What's going on, why are you in the paper?". I am beginning to wonder if my boss is leading some sort of double life, wife killer by day, bar manager at night? I just know now that I don't want to piss him off until this is resolved.

Thursday, September 16, 2004

Jail me now, Martha asks

Jail me now, Martha asks

My new mother is going away. This is a sad day for me.

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

"My Gay Boyfriend" by The Ukes of Hazard

This music video is really funny and definitely worth watching.

The song is called
My Gay Boyfriend.

It requires Quick Time, but there is a link to watch it on iFilm.



Enough of the Suspense!

A bunch of you have been wondering about the mysterious man appearing randomly in Apartment 3F. I got a lot of terrible guesses (including, that it was actually me).

It was someone you knew all along. Unfortunately, he is so disfigured now and not even recognizable.

From left to right: Michael Jackson as a little boy; Michael as he would appear today using computer aging technology; Michael during Thriller; and Michael, well....What he turned out to be. (You think that was the look he was going for??)

Carol Seaver Falls Off the Wagon

Apparently Tracy Gold has encountered some "Growing Pains" at young and naive age of 35. She was recently arrested for a DUI after flipping her SUV on a California freeway. Not very responsible, especially when you have your husband and 3 little kids in the car, including a baby that is just 4 months old. Her husband injured his neck and her son broke his collar bone. Luckily, no one in the car was seriously injured.

Perhaps Tracy's biggest crime ever committed......this hairdo worn in 1992.

Tuesday, September 14, 2004

Quick Q&A: Carrie

Name: Carrie
Status: Married to Mike, 2 Children - Emma and Dylan
Resides: Colorado Springs, CO
Sign: Sagittarius
Interesting Factoid: Carrie was my first friend at Arizona State and used to visit other planets when she was a little girl.
Some crazy memories include:

  • Finding a missing persons body in the desert and then tracking down a police offer to investigate.
  • Pleading with our apartment complex to evict us.
  • Stealing all the tableware and place settings from IHOP (including the carafe and syrup caddies) because we didn't want to buy dishes.

We sat down with Carrie to get answers to some very important questions.

Apartment 3F: When you were growing up, what did you do that got you into the biggest trouble. What was the punishment?

Carrie: My sisters and I wanted to live by the ocean, but we lived in Ohio. Not even remotely close to what we wanted. We decided that if my parents would not bring us to the ocean we would make one for ourselves....So we did, in the upstairs bathroom, waves and all...As a result the kitchen ceiling fell down because of all the water damage and the bathroom door broke from our parents kicking it in. We had locked them out. Punishment was no bikes for 2 weeks. How wimpy were they?

Apartment 3F: Describe in your own words........Booty Fun Play.

Carrie: I really don't even know what to say about this. On a sweater?

Apartment 3F: Dogs or Cats?

Carrie: I use to love dogs, now quite simply-no thanks. And cats are sneaky little sons of bitches created by evil. They cannot be trusted and people.........They shit in a box!!!!! And then try to hide it. Grosssssssssssssssss. At least dogs just shit, looking you in the eye all the while. Dogs know who they are, they are real, cats are just a bunch of pretenders.

Apartment 3F: Did kids call you names growing up...What were they?

Carrie: YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Flattycakes and bitch.-mainly bitch
Well if they could see me now-----

Apartment 3F: If you were given an opportunity to eat a 5 inch Arizona Lakeview cockroach to fund your children's college education would you?

Carrie: I would teach them how to fill out an application for a Stafford loan. If I even think about those horrible dinosaur like creatures I want to get up and start running.

Why I Took a Crisis Management Class

Dear Apartment 3F Friends and Loyal Readers,

The letter is in response to several emails we received last week expressing frustration that Apartment 3F has not been updated enough recently. I want to express our deep regret and send apologies to those deeply effected by the lack of updates.

Last week was a challenging for Apartment 3F. Due to exponential growth in readership our staff of 20 has been overworked, spending exceptional amounts of time creating new reports for you, our avid readers. This growth mixed with lame storylines during the Republican Convention and network outages from Hurricane Ivan have made updates to the site particularly challenging.

We want you, our readers, to know we are working hard at resolving these issues to the best of our abilities. We already have an exciting week planned, so be sure to check back for more exciting content that you know and love.

Sincerely,

Apartment 3F

Monday, September 13, 2004

A Necessary Phone Call

Hi, you have reached the voicemail of Madonna Louise Veronica Ciccone. I am unable to take your call. Please leave me a message and I get back to you shortly. BEEP.

Ummm....Hi Madonna, hope things are well. I am calling because I am a bit concerned....well... I don't exactly know how to say this.....but ummm...you see.....It's about Lourdes. The thing is......Lourdes is in dire need of a good tweeze. I have recently noticed some rampant growth in the eyebrow region and I am afraid that if left unnoticed, we could be looking at a full-on unibrow in the near future. With some heavy plucking, I think this situation could be rectified quite nicely. If you have any questions, then please don't hesitate to call. Look forward to speaking with you soon. Ciao.

Friday, September 10, 2004

My horoscope for 9-10-2004

Strangely enough, My horoscope gave me some insight on Booty Fun Play:

Are you using the wrong tools? Try a magnifying glass, not a telescope.

hmmm. a magnifying glass....Who knew?

Monday, September 06, 2004

I Could Have Been A Millionaire


Since I am broke and still looking for full time employment, I am constantly trying to come up with new business ideas as a way to make money. This weekend, I was exiting a public restroom and I passed a morbidly obese bald man in his fifties. I noticed the man entered one of the stalls behind me, and I thought to myself....."Now just how in the hell does that man fit his fat ass on the toilet seat??" I started gagging at the thought and quickly made my way over to the trash can to avoid tossing my delicious, just-eaten, $13 dollar pastrami sandwich across the bathroom floor. After my initial reflexes settled down, a lightbulb went off in my head .......Big butts need ergonomic toilet seats too!

I rushed home and began crunching the numbers and forecasting the revenue I could generate from manufacturing my own gigantic toilet seats. I began doing research on the internet locating potential suppliers and distributors. I had the perfect marketing plan :
  • Including coupons in sacks with Mc Donald's extra value meals
  • Passing out flyers at Weight Watchers meetings
  • Airing commercials on TV during Oprah
  • Hanging billboards all over my home state of Kansas.
I began to see dollar signs flashing before my eyes.....Could this be my big break? Will I be known for revolutionizing the toilet seat industry?? Could I possibly be the King of toilet seats?? And I thought, why stop there? Why not create seats for flat butts, square butts, pear shaped butts, and cute little butts.

Needless to say, I was devastated when I discovered
this website. The money has already been made, the industry is already ripe with profits, and I could never gain that first mover advantage. Further inspection led to the discovery of the Washlet c100 Chloe, Washlet c300 Jasmin, and the #005 Magic Lifter. I realized that the toilet seat industry was both highly competitive and oversaturated, so I scratched my half-written formal business plan.

There Will be No Dancing in the Champagne Room


It was Friday night at Barracuda, a new bar job I picked up a few weeks ago. Drinks were flowing, dance music was pumping, and everybody was having a good time. But I saw something out of the corner of my eye that was so foul, so grotesque, so unorderly, I had to end it.

" Man, you gotta stop. We can't have that nonsense in here..... You're just not allowed to dance."

The man complied, but I had to keep my eye on him the rest of the night. One more shake of the hips and I knew I was going to have to escort him out.

The fact is that dancing is illegal in most nightlife venues throughout New York City. A club most have a cabaret license which is extremely limited and hard to get. A common saying around the city is that the only 2 places in the world where dancing is illegal is Manhattan and Afghanistan. And with the ousting of the Taliban, dancing is now legal in Afghanistan.

The law is racist and outdated and should be reversed. The legislation was passed shortly after prohibition to shut down African American owned blues clubs that sprouted up after prohibition. These laws are still serious and many clubs without the license have been fined in excess of $30,000 and or even shut down.
I plead with New York City to stop the insanity. This law is ridiculous and citizens should be outraged. For more information .....http://www.legalizedancingnyc.com/


Top 10 Reasons Why I Got My MBA

Since this is a popular interview question among prospective employers, I decided to come up with a clear concise list to take the place of my "to broaden my horizons" bullshit answer.

1) Optimize the art of pinching pennies and generate new meaning for the true value of a dollar.


2) Streamline skills to land gig at bar called Barracuda.

3) Hearing "You're Overqualified" is good for the ego.

4) To execute cutting edge, real-time research on the effects of unemployment at the microeconomic level.

5) Maximize and deliver on a program Mistakenly took for the Misuse of Booze and Alcohol.

6) Collect and seize compelling data, so in the future I can write a book about how I too was screwed out of the American Dream.

7) Revolutionize and Cultivate that last damn quarter page on my resume.

8) Harness and fully leverage my almost infinite borrowing power.

9) Unleash my knowledge of dynamic industry buzzwords.

10) My visionary supply chain fucked up my pro-active, cost-cutting platform which in turn blew my strategic infrastructure all to hell, and I needed a frictionless, mission-critical, solution to fix it.

Sunday, September 05, 2004

My Horoscope for 9-5-04

I find that sometimes the message from the stars can be very insightful:

"This is not the best time to be carefree with your money."

I think I will hold out on buying that Porsche for a few days.

Wednesday, September 01, 2004

Someone says to me the other day with a tone of voice that was 100% serious. "Wow, so that is what you would look like black? How did you change your skin color...Photoshop?"

ummmmmm....That would be a NO!

That's a damn shame.