Thursday, November 18, 2004

Would You Like Fries With That?

It is amazing to me how much the actors on The OC look exactly like the people that work behind the counter at the Burger King in my hometown of Topeka, Kansas. I went back to visit a few years ago and I swear, Mischa Barton was scooping my fries and Benjamin McKenzie was flippin my all beef Whopper patties. And although I couldn't see him, Adam Brody was definitely at window 1 in the drive-thru (I could tell by the voice). I wonder what future stars are working at the Topeka Burger King now??

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

2 Wrongs Don't Make A Right

Kmart & Sears 11.5 Billion Dollar Merger :
Sounds like a retail powerhouse I just can't wait to shop at.

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

Welcome to Ringling Brothers Barnum & Bailey Circus!

I'm not going to talk trash on Liza Minnelli because of the recent headlines. To be honest, that's just way too damn easy. What I find interesting is that Michael Jackson might very well be the most put together person in her wedding photo.

If You Want Jesus Too, Then Add The Bacon

Kristen alerted me to this news story. Apparently, this grilled cheese sandwich with the image of the Virgin Mary is signaling the second coming of Christ. The grilled cheese was offered for sale on E-bay and received bids for over $22,000. The original owner has kept the sandwich for over 10 years on the bedroom nightstand before they decided to sell it. I must admit, I did begin to question the intelligence of Americans until I made my lunch the other day and saw the image of Scott Peterson burned on my grilled cheese revealing a guilty verdict. How much do you think this could be worth?

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

And The Moral of the Story

Maria Sharapova - 2004 Wimbledon Champion

Confucius once said : For every teenage Russian bombshell tennis champion that made the cover of Maxim, there is another teenage Russian tennis champion that got beat down hard with the ugly stick.

Svetlana Kuznetsova - 2004 US Open Champion

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

Fat People Causing Airlines To Go Broke

So let's just set the record straight......Obese Americans are causing the entire airline industry to collapse, or at least it seems that is what this study is trying to prove. It cost over $275 million more dollars to fly our fat asses around in 2000 than it did in 1990 because of the extra weight. Forget about operational inefficiencies, the labor unions, the stalling economy, and terrorism......Just get your flabby butt in the gym and you may be able to save United Airlines so we don't all lose our frequent flier points.

Fat people are blamed for the airlines demise and fat people are suing McDonald's for making them fat. Why not have the fast food industry just directly subsidize the airlines? Or better yet, have everyone jump on a scale before they go down the jetway with the results displayed on a large LCD screen at the gate and then tack on a fat surcharge. I can guarantee people would be passing on the potato chips and chocolate cake for at least a few weeks before departure.

Monday, November 08, 2004

A Trip To The Fetish Store

Last Saturday afternoon I was trying to get my Peter Criss costume together and needed a few last minute rocker accessories. I was told to go to the sexual fetish shops on Christopher Street where I could find dog collars, harnesses, whips, chains, studded belts, leather goods, and other S&M paraphernalia.

The first thing that I notice when I get to Christopher Street is that there are 10-15 fetish shops and families with children everywhere. Now to me, Christopher Street seems like an interesting choice for some quality family time on a brisk autumn afternoon. I imagined some of the questions and comments that must come out of children's mouths when they walk past the various storefronts. Why is that man wearing chains? Why is there a plastic green penis in the window? Look at the pretty rainbow flag? Can we go in there to get some candy?

I choose to go in a store called The Leather Attic based on the variety of quality leather products in the store window. There are 2 men at the front counter, the first is a bald man in his mid sixties with an impressive beer gut, the other a guy in his late forties with at least 7 facial piercings. Both looked jaded from working many years in a festish shop. The guy with the piercings makes me check my backpack at the counter and hands me a claim ticket that reads HATEFUL WHORE.

Me: Can you point me in the direction of your studded dog collars and harnesses?
Piercings: You wanna take this one Hal?
Beergut: Only if I can have my way with him in the back first.

The man with the piercings begins cackling like a hyena in heat. I follow Beergut down the back corridor. Around the first corner we pass a display of toilet seats with four legs attached. I look at the sign on the display and notice that apparently this is a new type of furniture called a rimming chair. I try to visualize this chair in the open space next to the coffee table in my living room, and realize it just wouldn't look good next to the black leather furniture we already have. The second corner has a display of very comfortable style of hammocks called a sling.

We finally get to the last aisle where there is a large selection of quality studded leather harnesses to choose from. I looked at the price tag of one that looks particularly KISS like and notice that it costs $179.

Me: Do you have any that are cheaper? Maybe even something that is plastic? I don't want to spend this much since I am only going to use it once.
Beergut: No...NO...NO...You can use these much more than one time, they will last forever.

I decide that the $15 bracelet is probably a better purchase for me and head up to the front counter to pay the man with facial piercings for my merchandise.

Piercings: Have fun with this (starts cackling again)
Me: Can I get my bag. It is the blue one.
Piercings: Who are you again?

I could tell by the look on his face that he wasn't going to give me back my backpack until I actually said it. I glanced at my claim ticket.

Me: I'm hateful whore.
Piercings: Well here ya go WHORE! (cackles)

As I head out the door, I was feeling a bit violated, as if that last exchange were equivalent to going first base in the S&M world. Maybe next Halloween I will try the shop with the green plastic penis in the window.

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

Insert Depressing Election Day Story Here

Anyone care for another four years of BullShit? Enjoy!

Monday, November 01, 2004


Above Left to Right: Anthony as Paul Stanley, Eddie as Gene Simmons,
Cole as Ace Frehley, Me as Peter Criss

Halloween was fun this year. I'm not usually a fan of Halloween and I havent dressed up for at least 10 years. Besides the fact that I look like a busted up clown and Cole is wearing a blond glamour wig, I think our rendition of KISS is pretty believable.